Having a child is the greatest joy for any mother (most of the time!) But one of the most difficult and scary things is adding another child to your family. With each addition to the family brings new joys, new obstacles, new jealousy issues, and new personalities. My new name is “Referee”. We all know how different each and every child can be…and yet as a mom we try to parent and be equitable with all of our kids. Sure we have our moments of choosing favorites (we all do it), but honestly we love each of our kids with our whole heart.
I am pretty sure that most moms have fears of bringing another baby into the world and ask many questions…”Will I love this baby as much as my first?” I know that one of my first thoughts after bringing home Benjamin (baby #2) was “What have I done?! Did I totally make the wrong decision in having another child?”…that thought was in my head for about 5 minutes before I realized that “this too shall pass”. This feeling of unbalance and uncertainty. I was afraid that my daughter Daniella would somehow resent me for bringing another baby into our family. The kids adjust. I honestly don’t think Daniella even remembers a time without her brother (they are 20 months apart)…and I look at them now and realize that I have forever given them the best gift – each other. There are moments of sheer chaos between them, but I know that they will be thankful later in life to have one another.
As two babies became three, and now three have become four little people in my life, I am starting to really appreciate each of the kids individually. My husband and I both carve out time in our calendars to do special 1 on 1 days with our kids. Mommy and me days are very popular in our household. The kids know that no one else will be fighting for their attention. Daddy daughter date nights are something we have slowly integrated into our monthly schedule. Spending one on one time with anyone gives you an appreciation for that person. Many people are limited on time with their family as a whole. But I am telling you, even if it is just going to get a donut with your daughter on a Saturday morning before the rest of the house wakes up, it is something that she will look forward to and cherish.
We just recently took our oldest daughter on an overnight trip to San Francisco. For her birthday she didn’t want presents or a party, she specifically requested an overnight trip with just mom and dad. Were my husband and I excited?! Of course! We made arrangements immediately for someone to watch our other three children so that we could make her birthday wish come true. We so needed time with just her. To hold her hand, to make sure she was being heard, to let her not have to fight anyone to hit the elevator button (yes, moms you know what I am talking about?!) and honestly, just to be little. She is always on as the “BIG SISTER”. Since she was 20 months old she has held the title, and trust me being the oldest means a lot of responsibility, pressure, and expectations – in our household anyways. Giving her this weekend to just be a 7 (almost 8) year old little girl was special for all of us.
Here are some of our family’s favorite 1 on 1 dates. Some are simple, and some are big ones. Get creative with your list. These are things that have been successful in our household.
- Go sneak out to grab a special treat together. This could be after the younger siblings are in bed for the night, or maybe when the older kids are in school. Who doesn’t love to get a sweet treat with their mom or dad. Donuts, milkshake, french fries, a hot cocoa are just some of my kids favorites. When I was in high school, I would pick my little sister up from elementary school and take her to McDonald’s (everyday!) to get an Oreo McFlurry. Did she love that time with her big sister? I sure hope so! But now when she has the chance to take one of her nieces or nephews to do something special I know that part of that is because she is paying it forward to all the time I spent with her.
- Go on a walk together. As a mother of many it is hard to make everyone always feel heard. There are many times that I simply can’t make everyone’s wishes and dreams come true. When you take a walk with your child, it offers simple, uninterrupted time with your child to just talk. You can ask questions, tell stories, or just engage in a simple conversation about how your child is doing.
- Plan a date night. This is a fun one. Daddy/daughter or mother/son date nights are a great way to teach your child simple table manners and etiquette. Normally going out to dinner with kids can be stressful, but when it is just the two of you it allows ample opportunity for teachable moments.
- Let your child stay up 15-30 minutes later for extra books, snuggles, or to watch a T.V. show with you. Devote yourself to 15-30 minutes of uninterrupted (put your cell phone down!) time. BE PRESENT. Snuggle up on the couch together to watch a show, read a book,or just talk.
- Play a game. We love games in our house, but with all the kids it can (and does) get crazy. Teach your child how to play a new two person card game. Or if you have a lot of free time on your hands teach them Monopoly! Puzzles are always a fun one too! If you don’t have time to finish it, build it somewhere that it can be left out. Have it be your special project together.
- Teach them something new. Or learn something new together! Nothing brings people closer together then learning something new. Want to learn how to sew – go to a class together. Never been fishing…now is the perfect time to learn. How exciting it would be to experience something for the first time with your child. Dave and I recently went to the symphony with Daniella. It was all three of our first time and we loved it! It was a shared experience that we will never forget.
- Go do something that THEY LOVE doing! Free pick, no questions asked.
- Art Projects – my kids love going to the craft store with me to pick out art projects. Wouldn’t it be fun to create something together?
- Picnic lunch – pack a lunch (together) and go to your local park. Sit, eat, talk, and just connect.
- One on one trips. Create balance in your family trips by choosing certain trips that you only take one child along. Take a mother/daughter vacation, or take just the oldest on a trip that the younger ones may not be ready to appreciate. I am always up for a solo parent trip! We have been doing this since the kids were little. To keep it equitable, our kids are on a revolving schedule. Next up for a solo trip is Benjamin! And trust me, they know their line in the que for a solo trip.
I love my big family, but I have quickly learned how important it is that each of my children is recognized not only as a person within our family unit, but also as an individual. Each of our children have unique personalities and a yearning desire to get that coveted one on one time with us (the parents). My kids have had to work hard at not becoming jealous when another sibling is getting special mom and dad time. This is something we continue to teach our children at home – showing excitement and happiness for other people instead of jealousy or resentment.
Time is a precious thing. It takes effort and planning on our part to carve out these one on one moments with our children. Try to look ahead and be intentional with your planning. I like to plan out my months, some people can only do a day at a time (whatever works for you and your family). Make yourself a commitment to carve out 15-30 minutes of intentional time with your child today. I don’t think any of us will look back and say, “I spent too much time with my kids.”